Negotiating a "no" effectively with your 7-12 year old child "tween".

Communicating with your child begins to change as they enter the Tween (7-12) years.. If we don't get a handle on this change early on, by the age of 12, we can often find ourselves in conflicts about some fairly significant issues as well as minor ones.

I have fallen into the trap oftentimes of getting into a battle about something quite small, recognizing afterwards - isn't hindsight wonderful - that I could have handled the whole thing differently and neatly side stepped the ensuing conflict. The term pick your battles is neat but what does it really mean?

I think it's means being clear and consistent about what is really important to your family. What is important should reflect the values of your household - yourself, your partner (if you have one) and your children. Values are best when they are a true representation of the people living in the household rather than imported from external sources. Of course we all bring the best and worst of our parents to our parenting style but we can stop acting on historical messages and conflicts that have no real relevance in our family today. My grandma a strict Scottish woman used often the eternal phrase children are best seen not heard - and clearly I don't believe that even for a moment - but there are words or phrases that she said that are equally unhelpful and which, to my horror, come to mind every now and then, especially when I'm upset.

So when your 7 year old has a really great idea, which you know is a no brainier to say no to for many reasons, how do you handle that? A firm no without a reason will simply not work, instead you are beginning to teach skill building in negotiation and effective communication.

How we say no and the reasons behind the no are essential for keeping lines of communication open so that our child does not learn to just do it without asking. For a parent saying no up to the age of 7 has been effective so making the change to a more negotiated no can be a big adjustment. However there is a big pay off and by the time he or she is 12, if we have been successful at the skill building model, our child will be able to use those tools with us, with teachers, school friends etc. Of course it won't always go well as, sadly, we are not always going to handle things as our best selves and our children aren't either. However, if things do go wrong, acknowledging our part in the conflict will go a long way to lessening the potential for conflict next time.

When you feel a "no" rushing out of your mouth take a breath and think about what is important - why are you saying no and what reasons will you give. Sort those thoughts out and buy yourself time by asking a question such as - can I have moment to think about what you've asked; How about we sit down and talk some more about this; ask for more information and why this is important; who thought of the idea.....

Examples of an effective "no"

- My daughter (age 12) and I had a conversation about whether or not she could go to the mall on her own with a friend. It was a no but we came up with a compromise that I would also go and hang out in the coffee shop.

- My teen wanted to colour her black hair all over. We talked about what she liked about different hair colours and the fact that hair colour can really damage the hair. I took her to a local hairdresser we both like and she talked to her about colouring hair from too young an age. The compromise was seven foil highlights in a dramatic colour contrasting with her own hair.

If you have any questions about real "no" situations that are creating conflict for you and your tween or teen please post a comment and I will be happy to offer suggestions.